my utopia

only if…

1. more people color organized their closets, alphabetized their dvd collections, and owned a label maker.

2. people would use the correct forms of “there, they’re, their”, “where, were, wear”, “accept, except”, and “who, whom”

3. people realized “lite” is slang, and not actually a word

4. everyone’s ipod was controlled by the movie soundtrack man

5. people realized how short life is

i’m dreaming (and seeing) a white christmas!

holidays in nyc are absoltuely amazing in everyway, shape, and form (well minus the increase of tourtists and the crowds everywhere)! they are perfectly lovely though. the macys thanksgiving day parade was incredible- from getting up at 5:15 am and having a front row seat to see the bands, and huge balloons go by to being on the news (sort of!) the whole experiance was great. now christmas is almost here and the festivities are going strong! first we went to the rockafeller christmas tree lighting ceremony- which despite it being so cold and rainy- was so fantastic. then all the stores decorate for christmas and you can just walk around and look at the window displays and decorations- all the lights make the city look more beautiful than it already does. saturday night it blizzzzzarded!!! i survived my first nyc snow storm- it was fantastic!!! i loved everything about it!!! there was 10-12 inches everywhere and it was coming down in sheets!!! the next day everything was just covered white. snow truly is magical. and then sunday night was the christmas concert at my church…. o.m.goodness. i feel like i should have paid hundreds of dollars to go to this concert. it was ridiculous. 1/2 of the members are musical theater stars in the city and the other 1/2 are just ridiculously good singers…the concert though was amazing. i was smiling ear to ear the entire 2 hours- it was the perfect end to a very snowy, white christmas’y weekend!!

heading home tomorrow. don’t expect it to be a white christmas down there, but i’m very happy with the white christmas i’ve had up here so far. can’t wait to bring my girls back up here with me next week for new years!!!

nyc….making you fall in love one white snowflake at a time….

the finger that keeps staring at me

i think the time has finally come to spill the beans.

ready to admit it or not: we all know i moved to nyc for one main reason: to get as far away as possible from big. i have known big in one way or another for over 6 years now, being 24 years old that means i’ve spent 1/4, or 25% of my entire life with him in it in one way one or another. considering it was usually  the”other” situation- and since honestly it was only the first year and half that was as perfect as i sometimes still idealize in my head, that means that the majority of 1/4 of my life has been spent in ridiculous misery in someway or another dealing with big

pathetic. if you could hit yourself in the face i would. fortunately i think it’s as difficult as throwing yourself down the stairs- which i hear is pretty difficult to do as well… unless you’ve had a margarita from blockheads mexican restraunt and then it’s getting up the stairs which is the hard part- coming down becomes quite easy.

but yes. that is why i moved. to get away from big. not singularly why i moved but a large, abundant part. reason two i moved is b. for years we’ve had huge amounts of space keeping us apart. living on opposite sides of the country made our relationship ridiculously easy for the past four years. talking about us turns out was way easier than actually being us. well at least for him. turns out when your half way across the country, it doesn’t really matter when you sleep with your ex girlfriend….or some random girl from baltimore. turns out that that only matters when you actually live close to each other, see each other all the time, and actually have something. funny how that works. (this is probably not the best place to plug in this ploy, but i still do miss b dreadfully…. despite his inability to think with his brains, and not his crotch)

so my two main reasons of moving to nyc: to run away from one person, and to run towards someone else have really backfired in my face like none other.

so now is when someone hits the huge button that yells, “why don’t you do things for yourself in life? instead of for other people…!!”

again, this is what i would tell myself if i could smack myself in the face. but alas- cannot.

i have a theory about this though, and some may call it an excuse and to some it may be- but i think i can reason it out. to look at it though we need to look at the complete opposite first.

social anxiety disorder. according to the dsm IV- social anxiety is defined as ” a persistent fear of one or more social or performance situations….” people accept that people have social anxiety disorders all the time. crowds make people feel nervous, too many people make feel like they are going to have a panic attack (sort of like bloomingdales boot department on a saturday afternoon!), and no one questions this. no one tells people to “get over this”and for goodness sake, “why don’t you do something in your life for another person…stop being so selfish- just get out there and be with people!”

for some reason though the opposite of social anxiety completely appalls people. people want to know why you want people around so much, why can’t you just be alone with a little while, why can’t you just do things for yourself and not worry about other people. i really don’t see how this is any different than social anxiety- not saying it’s okay to be diagnosed with those wonderful things listed in the dsm-IV but come on….some people prefer to be alone- other people it’s stressful for. i am one of those people.

i feed off of people. i love being around people. i love being in big crowds (minus that boot department mentioned above), i love people. i love the energy they give off. this is good considering i live in a city of millions- a city that never sleeps- a city that i constantly ask myself i wonder what event is going on that there are so many people out and about….then i remember that there is no event- it’s new york city. point blank.

so i’m a people person. i’m happier in life when i’m sharing it with someone. when did that become a crime? it’s not that i can’t be alone – i mean goodness, i’m alone right now and i’m fine- but when given the choice to be alone or to be with the person that makes my tongue stick through my teeth, with the person that i want i don’t want to be more than five feet away from, that person that i want to show off to everybody………….of course, i’m going to pick that person over myself. i’m going to pick that person enough to either a- move far, far away from them or b- finally be close enough to them.

that’s just who i am. and i’m totally okay with that.

okay so back to being smacked in the face by the big man upstairs. so we have delved into the two main reasons why i moved: b and big, and we’ve laid out why it’s okay for me to move for these reasons.

the irony of the situation though is so kate though: i moved to find my lunchtime snogger– and where did i move to??? new york city!!!? really??? did the sex in the city movie not teach me anything? i mean hello!? did i not pay attention when jennifer hudson gave her speech about how she moved to the city to find L-O-V-E and at the end she ended up geting back together with her big from missouri or some podunk state like that! jennifer hudson tried to warn me and did i listen? nope!

i’ve become quite attracted to checking out people’s left hand ring finger. don’t know if it’s the loss of b, the uber romantical christmas season approaching, or just the whole situation as a whole- but i feel like i’m checking out those fingers on every dick and jane that walks by.

for instance i saw a woman on the subway a few days ago with a mustache. we’re not talking a five oclock shadow- we are talking mustache- trimmed, and everything. okay, it is no shave novemeber- but come on ladies- this does not apply to you! so yes, she had a mustache….and what else did she have? some nice bling, bling on that special ring finger of hers. mustache lady is married!!? and then on the bus home tonight i saw this super cute older guy (im guessing maybe mid-late 30’s) single as all get out. okay well maybe not single- but not married. what is the world coming to? cute business guy is single and no shave miss november is married. really? really?

down south people get married early- people get married young. more often than not people meet in college, they date for a few years, go to grad school, get engaged, get married, and pop out a little one a few years later. i think it’s the southern hospitality that drives this. up north this is so not the case.

let’s look at new york city specifically. i don’t know the exact wikipedia specifics on this but i would like to venture to say that maybe, MAYBE 10% of nyc’s single population of “young adults” are not actually from nyc. no one grows up in nyc and stays here. everyone here is from somewhere else and has come here for work, for fun, or for both. this completely rules out the “college sweetheart” ideal discussed above. and no one is going to drag their poor fiance or college sweetheart to the concrete jungle- that’s just a disaster in the making. so people come here- single people come here to live. mainly they come here for work. and ya know no one here works 9-5. no one works 9-6. i work 7:30-5:30 and i’m a school teacher for goodness sake. most people work 7:30 to 8 or 9 at night. 40 hours work week are non existent here. so now we have a bunch of single people with 50-60 hour work weeks that go out to happy hour everyday after work because admit it, that’s all there is to do after you’ve worked 12 hours with screaming children, plummeting stock markets, and failing bonds. you work, live, and play with your work friends. so here is what we are left with… a very very large group of “young adults” working way too much, drinking way too much, and constantly being around the same people – all looking for that “special someone” yet having absolutely no time what so ever to make that work. so what do we end up with? a very, very, very large population of late twenty to mid thirty year olds that are left single and alone.

moral of the story: a- make sure you have some killer work friends because they become your closet family here, and b- nyc is not the city to find a permanent lunchtime snogger in. thank you jennifer hudson, maybe now i’ll listen to you better in the future.

so yes, there it is. get out your mini violin and play another song of haha kate, yet again your life is a collection of odd choices.

and although my plan blew up in my face and many a days i wonder if i should have taken the job teaching deaf children at the base of mount kenya- i’m really enjoying this crazy city. i’ve been on a slew of bad dates lately, gotten to eat at some fabulous restaurants because of them (cue next sex in the city reference: i recently went on a date to the place where they had they shot the rehearsal dinner in the movie!), and been through some odd ups and down with the big and b sagas (rightfully named!!!) but all in all this city is hard to not fall in love with.

it’s definitely not the weather that draws you in, or the oh so kind people here (recently some girl called me a redneck, and another told me to eat a hamburger!), or the fact that dropping fifty bucks on your own dinner and a drink is an everyday thing. surely it’s none of these that make you fall in love with this place. i think it’s just the place in general. it’s nyc. it’s a gazillion people desperately trying to keep up with one another. it’s the absolutely gorgeous christmas lights outside of bloomingdales, it’s the small hole in the wall places to eat that are so amazing, and it’s the late nights with new friends.

or maybe it’s the new lunchtime snogger that i’m not sure i’m fully ready to disclose yet…

coming full circle

the past 24 hours have been some of the most emotionally draining of my life. met b in new brunswick last night, to “work things out- to settle things.” would have been just like a movie- but i think those have happier endings.

one of my best friends is currently gone. i feel betrayed, i feel used, overall- disappointed. just as we met in bed 4 years ago, that’s where it ended. in bed- in a hyatt hotel rome in new brunswick, nj.

a lot of tears.

a lot, a lot of tears.

a hard goodbye. and a final hopeful smile that it’s not really the end.

I hoped that you could understand
That this is not what I had planned
Please don’t worry now
It will turn around

Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we’ll be fine

ef you spike jonze

dear spike jonze,

way you to ruin the best children’s book of all time. although after watching the movie it is questionable that you ever actually read the book before making the movie, but assuming you did- what part in the book made you think that the wild things were sad, depressed, and hated each other? was it the 3 wordless pages of them romping around the forrest having fun with each other?

congratulations though on taking an award winning book that had everything little kid imagining and dreaming and turning it into the worst movie of the year. what a grave disappointment.

thank you.

lucky enough

“at some point maybe we accept that the dream… has become a nightmare. so we tell ourselves that reality its better. we convince ourselves that its better that we don’t dream at all. but the strongest of us, the most determined of us- we hold onto that dream. and if were lucky we realize that in the face of everything- in the face of life- that the true dream, is being able to dream at all.”

7 hours….

tonight is the big “first date” night… still have that gut feeling that everything is getting ready to fall to pieces…7 hours till we seeeeee!!!

bowling, snoggings, charities, weather updates, and b

so im sitting here babysitting, and thought i’d plug in one big overdue update on just about everything here and there.

okay first of all i have big b news…but we’ll save that for the end.

well, let’s see. i’ve joined the junior board of catholic charities here in nyc. catholic charities is an organization of post graduate age “young adults” who though the archdiocese of new york city run alot of fundraising events, volunteer with a variety of organizations, and have “midnight runs” where they take lunch bags of food to the homeless on the streets. not only is this a great opportunity to get back involved with volunteering (something i’ve missed alot) it’s also a great way to meet more people in the City. pretty stoked about it in general. only drawback is my late night taxi cab snogger has also decided to spontaneously join this year as well, and he is such a lovely gentleman (insert huge sarcasm) i just loooooove seeing him so. but yeah for catholic charities!

next on note is work. this is not really the place to discuss work but yeah. i’ve gone from living to work last year to working to live this year. not an easy transition. still missing my crazy high schoolers….a lot.

moving on to my new, and fantastic friends in nyc. before i moved here i read numerous blog after blog about how hard it was to meet a core group of friends in nyc. they all said things like make sure you love your job because plan to become really, really good at it. they all said you won’t meet a good group of friends for awhile. etc. etc. blah. blah. blah. well boo ya take that stupid, lonely, unsociably people who moved to nyc- i’ve got fantastic friends! love dear shawn so much, i still feel so, so happy that i met him way back when on the plane. and then ontop of that i’ve made fabulous girlfriends: my roomie, kelly, chelsea, and karen- they are all great. last weekend was karen’s big three point oh birthday and i just realized how incredibly happy and lucky i was to have such a great group of friend already in the city. so, so happy =)

…enter a nice transition here….and,

so how bout that weather? well how about it! it’s COLD. it is getting SO cold here SO fast. last night b and i went out and i had on jeans, my ugg boots, a sweater, peacoat, scarf, and hat. um HELLO it is only the beginning of october!! so here is my plan: buy the northface arctic parka, buy some serious warm and fuzzy and waterproof boots, and invest in some of those hot hands and shove them down my clothes everytime i venture outside. i am going to freeze- absolutely freeze. might as well enjoy this fall weather as i can though!! (kelly’s text that it was 90 degrees when she got to cali today did not help my freezing situation by the way!)

lunchtime snoggings updates: okay so i thought i should keep a mini log of all of my nyc dates. people actually date up here. not just hang out over and over again until they realize they want to be in a relationship- they actually go on dates. FABULOUS! it’s out of necessity somewhat though. in a city of six gazillion people the likely hood that you will just run into each other again is not very propable. so people date. so here is my list thus far:

1. dater numero uno- went on a date that i really didn’t know was a date. realized it was a date when he was petting m leg underneath the table. yeah. that was over quickly.
2. dater numero dos- dinner- not very exciting, again, that was over quickly.
3. dater numero tres- fun, cute, with a slight hint of ghetto. met him through a friend at a UT football viewing party. our official “date” was bowling (which will be discussed later). all in all it was fun. not crazy fun and i had no desire to turn it into a snogging experience.  i think he wants a second date- i’m pretty sure i don’t want to go down that road though- can’t get past his perceived “ghetto-ness”

although im keeping my eyes open for that snogger, i am in no rush. i am loving it here and i’ve become so picky, i’m not in a place to mess around with bullshit- or someone i really don’t like.

soooo back to that bowling statement above. only in nyc do you have to show your id to get into the bowling alley. only in nyc is there a red carpet with red ropes and men in black suits (aka bouncers) letting you in and out of the bowling alley. and only in nyc do you have a waitress (aka a floating bartender) that serves you as you bowl. well peeps…it’s nyc bowling…what did you expect?!

something way better than bowling though was SENDAK IN SOHO!!! last night a friend of mine from work and i went down to soho to an event honoring maurice sendak. if you don’t know who that is, google it and be ashamed of yourself. they had all the original where the wilds things are artwork there FOR SALE. and you too could get an original max drawing for a mere…..$125,000. well that was the high end, they did have “cheaper” pieces for $20,000 if 125 was over your limit. SAY WHAAAAAT!? i was besides myself at the entire event though- i was jumping out of my skin with excitement the entire time! original where the wild thing are drawings!!!! second favorite part of the evening was when i was waiting in line to buy my poster from the event (valued at $20) i overheard the woman on the phone in front of me… “yes honey, i’m buying it now…it’s only $25,000 so don’t worry.” ONLY $25,000 !!!?? SAY WHAAAAAT!? again, welcome to nyc my friends. (it’s time like this that i need  sugar daddy)

okay last statement about nyc before i move onto the b saga. this city is a place of what you want- you can get instantly. you want groceries? go online click order and they are waiting at your door in a few hours. you want a ride somewhere? throw your hand up in the air and a cab grabs you within seconds. you want gelatto? starbucks? fruit? there are stands everywhere and on each corner. you want a mani/pedi? walk down the street and within 3 blocks you’ll find 2 places to choose from. you don’t want to do your own laundry? drop it off in the morning and by the time you get home from work it’s waiting all folded for you and ready to go. you want it here? you got it.

drum roll please……..

as you can probably guess by now, last nights “big blow” i was preparing for didn’t happen as planned (otherwise this blog wouldn’t exist or i’d write about hating b or something like that) so here IS what happened….

i think a little (yes, very little) background knowledge of why i thought the blow was coming is necessary. after b’s big freakout and him acting like a huge asshole i didn’t really have high expectations when he said we needed to talk about “us.” i knew he wasn’t ready for a full blown something, and i was expecting the only other option that was in my head- to just quit each other completely. aka “the big blow.” instead though we go to dinner he looks at me and says “we need a first date.” what? a first date? now? after 4 years? “yes, we need a first date. i’d like to take you out on a real, first date. i want to do this right this time.” <<<insert huge heart melting awwwww here>>> so next saturday we are going on our real, first date here in nyc. and i have to say i haven’t looked forward to something this much in a long time. good save b. good, good save =)

b

alot of updates that need to be put on here but right now i can only think about one thing.

b is coming into the city tomorrow so “we can talk.”

at this point all i’m doing is preparing for the blow.

lemonade

the only time (yes, singular time) i’ve ever have flowers sent to me they were from B.

so today at work i get a call from the front office telling me i have flowers waiting for me….. SAY WHAT!? flowers for me?? sent to my work?? again, SAY WHAAAAAAAT!?

like any good teacher would do i immediately get my assistant to cover both her math group and mine and take off in a mad sprint very quick, upitty walk to the front office….

and yes, there they are- flowers, a whole bouquet of flowers ….with my name on them!!! again, SAY WHAAAAAT!!!??

and not only are there flowers but there is a big ole lemon in the bottom of the vase! {insert say whaaaat here again, but for a different reason}

i immediately tear open the small flower card (the only reason i know how to do this is from seeing it on movies) and i read it…

“when life hands you lemons……. – b”

B !!!!! SAY WHAAAAAAT? B is sending me flowers to my work?   =)

……….and scene………..